Sowing the Seeds of Support
Life is a journey in which we experience a roller coaster of events. The challenging moments are the ones we naturally suffer from the most. Whenever a tragic life event happens, navigating and dealing with the whirlwind of emotions is difficult. Alongside the personal struggle, we all are subject to hearing from many members of our family, friends, and the Sikh community saying phrases to help us cope.
Phrases such as "everything happens in hukam," "everything happens for the best/good," or "stay in Chardi kala!" to name a common few. Even though there is a good, genuine intention, it almost always strikes a nerve in the one coping with their tragic life event. A good friend of mine recently passed away at a young age, and her sister, mother, and family struggled with this very issue. They had countless family members, friends, and Sikh community members say that "we must accept the creators 'Bhana’(will)” or that we must “stay strong and in Chardi kala.” The mother and sister both mentioned that despite knowing what is being shared is reality, in that very moment, it was not comforting or supportive and made their internal struggle worse as it all seemed insensitive. The mother mentioned that she appreciated those that just hugged her or held her hands and didn't say much or anything at all. This was comforting for her and what she needed at that moment.
I went through a personal situation where my engagement fell through. It happened quite abruptly, and it affected myself, as well as my family. As the family started to hear of this, they were initially shocked. Their immediate response was, "don't worry, everything happens for the good" or "it's all a blessing, you'll eventually see it," amongst many other things. No one except my brother and mother gave me emotional support or understanding. I was left feeling more isolated.
To clarify, I also mentally know that things happen for a reason, that we all are in 'hukam,' and that nothing happens if it wasn't meant to. My soul knows this, and my mind does too, but amid that pain and trauma of instant change, my mind cannot ignore the many emotions that arise. The mind, to many, is a stranger or just a voice. We judge the thoughts it brings up, the pain it continues to show, the whining, the crying, the sadness, almost as if it is a child. Try telling a child who just hurt themselves that everything happens for the good. It will not register because they are too focused on their pain, and all they want is for you to acknowledge it and offer empathy and support. The same goes for our mind. It just suffered a massive blow. It will not be able to register the "everything happens for the good" when it's in pain, and cries are not heard.
We suffer from two layers of cognitive dissonance. One is the lack of emotional support from others; they are all quick to give you an instant religious response that seems almost devoid of empathy or compassion. Alongside this, we tend to ignore our mind's pain by drowning out the noise by distracting ourselves with activities that numb the mind's thoughts.
If we suffer from a tragic event, we must deal with ourselves in many layers. Unfortunately, our emotional and mental body is not physically visible, so it is hard to see or show the wounds it suffers. But if we suffer physical trauma, we can see it, and so can others. With this added tangibility, we offer a different understanding and course of healing for our body. For example, if you suffered a gash on your right arm, you could deal with it in many ways. One way is to see it in chardi kala and say to yourself, 'it'll be okay! Let's not worry.' The other option is to cry and make a bigger deal.
How you emotionally and mentally deal with it is one way, but physically, you will still have to tend to the gash. You'll have to disinfect it, receive stitches, and tend to the wound over the next few weeks until it is fully healed. During this process, your wound will hurt, itch, burn, scab up, re-bleed, etc. All these fluctuations require a nuanced approach to deal with them. If your emotional mindset is in chardi kala during this time, you’ll still have to tend to it the same way if you were in a very negative mindset. But why don’t we deal with our emotional and mental body the same way?
When we suffer from emotional or mental trauma, we are not able to see a gash on our emotional or mental body as we would on our physical body. Because of this, we ignore the healing and tending to the emotional wounds that come with any trauma. We only give the surface-level advice, "it's all a blessing," and "it's in bhana." This is true, but your emotional wound has not been seen or tended to and emotions being acknowledged and felt allow for healing.
Emotional and mental healing can feel unfamiliar to us as a society at times, but the Sikh Gurus taught the world how to deal with emotional and mental stress. The first step is acknowledging what we are feeling, being a friend to our mind, and meeting it where it is emotionally and empathizing. Once the mind feels safe, heard, and understood, the conversation to build chardi kala and a positive outlook will be received. If we can offer this to ourselves, it will transfer to how we treat others.
During my own personal challenges, I was gifted a composition by my Satuguru in Dhanasri Ghar 12. Dhanasri is the mood of “Hakuna Matata” and its essence is like when we feel safe and confident in our being. The Ghar 12 is linked with the 12th shruti, “Priti” and holds the emotion of a spark of pure love and adoration. It’s like the feeling of placing your head in your mother's lap. The Ghar is a flavor enhancer to the Raag, like putting in a pinch of cinnamon in your coffee. It doesn’t change the coffee but enhances it with a subtle new flavor creating a unique experience. So Dhanasri Ghar 12’s mood equates to your parent giving you a hug and blowing on the tiny rash you just got on your knee when you fell running. It comforts you and lets you feel loved and safe, knowing that it’ll all be okay now. In this way, Guru Arjan Dev ji expressed the shabad, “Bandana Har Bandana” in Dhanasri Ghar 12.
About the Author:
Preetinder Singh has been practicing Sikh music for nineteen years. He started his journey at Guru Angad Institute of Sikh Studies. He later went under the apprenticeship of Prof. Surinder Singh to further his knowledge of Sikh music and its link to mental health. He works with clients as an Emotional coach using what he has learned in the study of psychology and Sikh Music. Check out his work, and follow him on Soundcloud.